Notes from the Desktop of a Thanatophobe

It has been precisely three months to the day since I received that mysterious phone call which advocated for my aid in what I soon realized was a revolutionary scientific study. The anonymous voice I spoke with seemed to know much about me, my psychiatric expertise and my rising status within the world of academe. However, all I could conjecture about the possible identity of the caller was that it was in fact a he (the constant rustling noises emanating from the other line undoubtedly a result of the caller's burly beard playing patty cake with the receiver) and that he had fairly recently consumed a carbonated beverage (a fact that was given away by the inexplicable pauses and resounding belches that pervaded our dialogue).

The caller bubbled with enthusiasm over a recent scholarly publication which detailed my findings of animal intelligence evidenced by a psychiatric study in which I placed a typewriter and a month's supply of paper into the gorilla pen of the San Diego Zoo. Four weeks later, I returned to the same site to find in place of the blank pages a neatly bound manuscript titled If You Scratch My Back: A Treatise on Animal Rights signed in a cursive sprawl by JoJo the Gorilla.

The anonymous bearded caller then asked if I knew anything about Woody Allen. I excitedly answered in the positive. My interest in the filmmaker dated back to my undergraduate years at Columbia when I took a course that compared and contrasted the neurotic New Yorker's filmography with the history of the Ukranian high-step dance, the Kozachok.

I was then informed of Mr. Allen's unexpected foray into the world of social media, heralded by the filmmaking maestro's activation of a Twitter account. The caller wondered if I would be interested in taking a break from my monkey business in order to psychologically investigate the eccentric screenwriter's Tweets and later publish my findings to the world. When I expressed my doubts on making the transition from the study of animal neurology to that of the chaotic world of celebrity, I was met with encouragement from the caller. "I believe you will find the two subjects not to be mutually exclusive," the voice reassured.

After the call ended, I must admit I had my doubts about the whole endeavor. I had labored the better part of the past sixteen years through laughably miniscule research funding and mounds of banana-filled gorilla dung to reach the level of respect within the scientific community which I was currently enjoying. Should I risk it all to study the daily musings of an aging filmmaker/jazz enthusiast/stepdaughter enthusiast? Four nights after the mysterious phone call, any lingering skepticism towards the project was quelled when I received an envelope in my mailbox containing a small note that read "To Dr. K." wrapped around $200,000 in cash. I began my study immediately after dinner that night.

Below, I have included a short excerpt from what proved to be an unexpectedly fascinating exploration into the mind of this auteur. I am confident that I have broken down mental barriers with my analysis, allowing those uneducated in the realm of psychology to comprehend and experience the mental process of a celebrity. My book, tentatively titled Notes from the Desktop of a Thanatophobe: An Exploration into the Mind of Celebrity, will be published later this year by New York University Press and will include a forward by Mr. Allen himself, followed by an introduction by Benjamin Franklin.

(Writer's note: The following excerpt may not be suitable for those who suffer from shellfish allergies)

December 3, 2010
@WoodyAllen: Woke up with terrible pain in back, thought it was tumor, imminent death?, etc. Advised by doctor to stop sleeping on shake weight

Tweet Analysis: It did not take long for Mr. Allen to grace the Twitterverse with his undying obsession with death. Yet, it is the literary giant's reference to the shake weight as a symbol of the exasperating nature of the recent Medicare plan that I find a move of particular genius. Not many writer's would even think of uncovering the striking relevance between the much maligned medical bill and the hand-job-trainer-disguised-as-ineffective-excercise-equipment-for-menopausal-women. Bravo, Mr. Allen.

February 18, 2011
@WoodyAllen: Bisexuality immediately increases your chances for a date on Saturday night 


Tweet Analysis: I must admit that I had to dig up some of my Freudian literature in order to uncover the meaning of Mr. Allen's maddeningly sparse prose here. After much research and a few heated debates with some of my trusted colleagues, I can confidently say that this Tweet is a comment on the metaphysical qualities of long, hot showers taken on especially cold winter nights.

March 23, 2011
@WoodyAllen: Thought about the meaningless of life again today after choking on an avocado sandwich- Indeed, it's not easy being green


Tweet Analysis: Once again, death finds its way into Mr. Allen's daily thoughts, now accompanied by the appearance of an avocado. See how the act of choking on the presumably soft sandwich cleverly mirrors the act of childbirth? Once again, bravo, Mr Allen! Side note- what about the the second half of his Tweet, you ask? Clearly, the seed of Mr. Allen must have been conceived during a screening of The Muppet Movie.

June 10, 2011
@WoodyAllen: Midnight in Paris opens tomorrow in theatres. C#6!


Tweet Analysis: Mr. Allen seems to be brimming with excitement in this Tweet, but why exactly? I believe this Tweet acts twofold: first, as an aggressive middle finger to all those who have joked that the man is in the twilight of his career and second, as a proclamation of his favorite note on the clarinet. The use of the pretentious spelling of theater only confirms the musical quality of Allen's prose here.